Monday, March 26, 2012

Boy I'm Lazy....Mass Effect 3 "Review"


I haven't really posted anything major since Vegas, but I figure I'll drop my two cents on the Mass Effect 3 issue here just for the hell of it. I've been a fan of the Mass Effect universe/games since Mass Effect first debuted on the 360. I stuck with all the goofy bullshit in 2.....and endured some of the less than stellar writing in the books (though I avoided the comics...shit looked dumb). So I dutifully reserved my copy of ME3 and played through all my ME2 DLC in sweet anticipation.

And honestly....I loved most of ME3. SQUATS McPOWERTHRUST was a decent addition to the Normandy crew...and if you can overlook the cringe worthy "My Husband, he was a man, did I mention I lost my husband, I like dudes" dialogue that they forced on STEEEVE! then he was a pretty decent character as well. It was nice to actually have an actual dedicated shuttle pilot instead of the shuttle just magically landing like it did in the first two. But speaking of that....what the hell happened to my ground vehicles? They just handwaved that shit away. I mean I wouldn't have been thrilled to see the Mako return, but the Hammerhead was pretty sweet.

EDI...as a giant walking Fleshlight...was dumb as hell. We just didn't need that....if a tech character was THAT necessary, restore some of the abilities Garrus mysteriously lost between 1 and 2 or make Tali available earlier or hell let me have Legion as a squadmate and not just as Space Jesus Plot Device. And as much as I enjoyed bro'ing around with RODNEY ROUGHDICK he just wasn't a satisfying substitute for having a Krogan character in the squad. I liked that Miranda and Jack made key appearances but didn't hang around. I wept for Mordin. I manly teared for Thane. I let Samara become An Hero and summarily executed her daughter because fuck those freaky Ardat Yakshi bitches. But I loved how all the old characters felt like more than just surprise cameos. They actually helped the story along, but that also meant that if they were absent...because of choices you made in 1 and 2, Bioware had to pull magical filler characters out of thin air to replace them because of the plot roles they played.

The negating of player choice is something that really bugged me about the ending of ME3, especially after 2. I went over the suicide mission several times to make sure I preserved the team I cared about and wanted to bring into ME3. I saved Zaeed on his loyalty mission....I had the loyalty of everyone on my crew....but in the end it didn't even matter. ME3 pushed the plot through to the end, and railroaded the player the whole way. Did you cure the Genophage? Cool story Krogans fight. Did you fake the cure? Cool story Krogans fight. There was no possible way to "fail" ME3 other than actually finishing it.

The ending....dear sweet Odin the ending. Pick a color, Red, Blue or Green.....thats it, thats all, thats the only choice you get! Same cutscene, same lame phoned in "the Shepard" shit with the man and freakish dwarf (scaled down adult model instead of a child model, lolwut) and then the same pop up advertising DLC. Bioware took what could have been an amazing end to an amazing series and made it feel cheap, and dirty. There was no closure, and no one was saved from extinction. With the Relays destroyed, all they did was delay it since the majority of the remaining military forces in the galaxy were stranded in the ravaged to shit Sol System. Also the literal Deus ex Machina was awful. But, everything up until that point was fun, and ME3 did have some great bro moments, especially with Garrus.